I like to think it a success when the cops are called
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
