I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
