is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
