I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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