His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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