Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
