I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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