Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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