You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
