They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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