that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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