mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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