Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
