Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
