Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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