Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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