Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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