I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
