There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
