you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
