my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I need to align my fucking chakras
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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