Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
