I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize