She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
