I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
BRING THE BAGELS
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
