Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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