I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
