I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
