??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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