I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
