SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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