It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
