You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
