Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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