using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
