Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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