Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize