did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
