It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
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