i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize