I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
