Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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