Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
