we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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