Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
