There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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