listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
