So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
