Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize