I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
