Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
