Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize