is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
