He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
