DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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