remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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