Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
