so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
