hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
