I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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